I need to get up!

I need to get up!

It’s 7am and the alarm has just gone off, not that I need it, I’ve been lying awake for hours. My husband is up and the kids are starting to rouse. I know I should get up. I know I should get out of bed, greet my children with a cheery good morning and get them sorted for their day. But I can’t. I can’t actually move.

The fear is here again. I don’t know what I’m scared off, I am just afraid. I have a tight knot of foreboding in my chest that will not go away.

I need to get up.

I’m scared. I want to tell my husband but how do you explain that you scared but you don’t know what you are afraid off? He wants to fix it for me, he wants to take away the fear so I can get up and enjoy the day with him. He can’t fix it. I feel guilty because I am broken but don’t know how to fix myself. I feel stupid because I can’t tell him what I’m afraid off, only that I’m so scared that I can’t move.

I need to get up.

The kids are bickering downstairs, breakfast dishes are being put away and teeth are getting brushed. “Where’s mummy?”

I need to get up.

If I could just get up I could at least kiss them goodbye – what if this is the last time I see them? What if I die before they come home? What if something happens to them? What if something happens to my husband?

I need to get up, why am I so afraid? The pain in my chest has gotten worse, my hands and feet are tingling now and I can’t breath.

If I could just get up.

Too late they have gone.

Gone to school without a kiss from their mother, without an affectionate ruffle of their hair and a wish of a good day.

I wish I had gotten up.

I will try again tommorow morning.

Watch me on TV talking about Coeliac Disease and Jamie Oliver

Watch me on TV talking about Coeliac Disease and Jamie Oliver

Watch me talk about my new website www.kidswithcoeliac.uk on Made In Cardiff TV.

The website is still under construction, ease get I touch if you would like to be a part of it.

Claire